You Might Be Too Old to Tricker Treat if....

Many years ago, I used to love Halloween. Dressing in costume, racing door to door for mostly crappy candy, rotten oranges, stupid pennies with an occasional decent sized chocolate bar tossed in the mix. I hate candy corn, by the way. We always knew where the "good" houses were and usually we hit them multi times. It was a night of frightful, frivolous fun in home-made costumes with my young friends and generally nobody got hurt. During the course of the rambunctious evening, nobody got texted, sexted, Ipodded, emailed or cell phoned either. Now, Halloween is the most popular and most commercial holiday next to Christmas! You never know what kind of freaks, perverts and weirdos are gonna be prowling your neighborhoods disguised as Lady Gaga, Snookie from Jersey Shore or "The Situation" with fake, rubber six pack abs. And curiously I did enjoy watching him on Dancing with the Stars.

A few years ago, we lived in a lovely town near Atlanta that had a ton of golf courses and was very family oriented. I've never seen so many kids out tricker treating. Our first year living there, I was stunned to see thousands and I do mean thousands of tricker treater kids chauffered to our front door on golf carts driven by their parents or by themselves. None of them walked. They all hitched a ride on the family golf cart. And they all used GPSs and cell phones to alert friends to the "good" houses. Why oh why, did I have to grow up in the dark ages!

But I digress. The following message is meant as a public service announcement for anybody who falls into the categories listed below. No offense to seniors, old codgers, the elderly or the AARP gang. After all this blog is called Boomer Pie. So you know I'm one of you. BUT we all know there are some people, youngish or olderish...who simply should not be out on neighborhood streets trolling for treats on Halloween or any time of year. If you're not sure if this applies to you, read further....

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO OLD TO TRICKER TREAT 

ON HALLOWEEN IF...

• You get winded knocking on a front door or...even the bathroom door.

• You think chocolate is over-rated. But a nice bottle of vodka would be appreciated.                                                                                                                                                                                                      
• You like to run over kids on your Hoverround. 

• You only eat high fiber candy.                                                                                                 
• Kids point at you and shout, "Wow, scary witch mask"...and you're not wearing one.                                                                                                           
• On the doorstep you yell: "Tricker......" and forget the rest of it.                                                                                                         
• You'd consider it a good night if your haul consists of a pack of Chiclets, a few Depends, a couple Viagra and you don't lose the battery to your hearing aid.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
• You're worried your costume might dislodge your hairpiece...or your oxygen tank.                                                                                                                                                                                                                
• You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood using a walker.              
• Little kids run away from you screaming...and you just stepped out to get the mail.

• After the 5th house, you realize you'd rather be back home watching Antiques Roadshow.

Peace, love, Happy Halloween, man. Ya that's vodka in my water bottle. Far Out.

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