GERIATRIC DIY

THIS JUST IN: Unsubstantiated reports have surfaced regarding the whereabouts of an elderly grandmother, active Facebook member, popular Boomer Pie blogger and avid photographer who goes by the name of Mar-Ce. She’s been missing from FB for months and has been mostly unaccounted for and forgotten in real life as well. Her absence has gone unnoticed, until recently. Her lack of regular FB status updates aroused concern by none other than the Facebook Administration itself……who this week posted an urgent alert to her FB page announcing that she has not posted in 53 days.

Anonymous sources have just leaked shocking news concerning Mar-Ce’s whereabouts. Their story purports to shed light on her sudden and odd disappearance.

According to sources, Mar-Ce and her husband Jack, have been holed up on the Gulf Coast of Florida rehabbing a condo they bought this summer.  They are safe but hot, sweaty and nearing exhaustion. Rehabbing a condo in the savage Florida heat, at their age, has friends shaking their heads in disbelief.  Have they gone mad?  

“They’re crazy old loons….to be doing all that work by themselves,” opined one source.

According to sources, Mar-Ce wanted a big, challenging project to keep them busy, now that they’re both retired. Though the couple is advanced in years, friends say Jack is super handy and Mar-Ce is creative and fun with a flair for interior design. A DIY project would seem to be right up their alley.

The couple has been relentlessly cleaning, priming and painting all the ceilings, all the walls, the doors, woodwork and even all the furniture that came with the condo. A tragedy nearly ensued when the popcorn ceiling in the guest bathroom unexpectedly caved in. No one was injured but Jack had to replaster the entire ceiling.

In another bizarre incident, sources divulge that after hand-painting over 2000 individual slats (TWO THOUSAND!) in multi sets of louvered doors, Mar-Ce went berserk. Fueled by paint fumes, she had a semi-gloss meltdown and ripped out the last remaining set of louvered doors, threw them in the grass and stomped them to pieces. Neighbors could hear her screaming: “No more louvers! No more louvers!”

No more louvers!!!

“That’s just CRAZY!  They’re way too old to be working that hard,” says an un-named source.

The couple spent weeks installing all new toilets by themselves, new sinks, new light fixtures, ceiling fans, new faucets, new window treatments. That takes a whole lot of time. But apparently the worst part is cleaning all the OPF in the place.

OPF?  Other People’s Filth.  Records indicate the condo was previously owned by a trio of aging hippies who were ill and had not taken care of the place. Mar-Ce had to bleach and sanitize and scrub down everything….three times over.  They say she used so much bleach that it went to her head. Literally. It’s been disclosed that now Mar-Ce no longer has to go to the hairdresser to get her hair dyed blonde. Her hair follicles sucked up all the bleach....permanently.

“She always was a ditzy blonde. And now she’s even ditzier,” jokes another friend. 

Evidence suggests that the couple has not yet finished refurbishing the condo. They are now working on  renovating the kitchen. A neighbor describes the kitchen as bad-ass ugly and seriously outdated.  As in….the 70s called. They want their Harvest Gold back.  The couple will replace all the old Harvest Gold appliances with stainless steel ones. None of the old appliances work. The kitchen is useless except for water from the sink. It’s reported that Mar-Ce has resorted to hand-crafting artisan sandwiches for meals all this time. There is talk of her opening a gourmet sandwich shop, once the condo rehab is complete.

Further information has surfaced that the couple has been extra busy painting the kitchen ceiling and all the walls. They'll refinish all the original dingy brown cabinets in fresh, bright white paint and add snazzy, chrome hardware. Jack’s also building a pantry, renovating the laundry room. Necessary chores include reworking the plumbing and electrical, installing a modern, new faucet and a new garbage disposal. It all takes up lots of time. They’ve got a few more weeks of work on the kitchen but things are slowly taking shape.

Jack assembles cabinets.

And yet, sources claim the project is still not complete.  There’s a charming, enclosed private courtyard off the kitchen that Mar-Ce intends to landscape, hand lay brick pavers, plant flowers and add some comfy outdoor chairs. That will take more time to finish.

Finally, there’s an inviting screened-in porch off the living room…..just waiting to be hosed down, cleaned up, painted and decked out with island style furniture. They haven’t had time to get to the porch yet.

A local realtor claims there’s a wild rumor that HGTV has approached the aging couple about doing a series.

“Geriatric DIY,”  a friend snorts with laughter.

The elderly couple has declined any personal interviews. But neighbors say the couple has been working non-stop from sun-up to sundown for months…..only taking off on Sundays to relax with their daughter and grandchildren, who live nearby. Mar-Ce has been incommunicado for weeks. Nobody’s heard from her at all. Friends hope the couple doesn’t hurt themselves with all the strenuous physical labor.

Word is that Jack slipped and fell flat on his side on the kitchen tile. Thankfully, he didn’t break any bones. Mar-Ce is nearing total exhaustion. She injured her shoulder from over-exerting herself with all that painting and cleaning. Neighbors often mistake her for a construction worker since she’s always in her grungy work clothes. Yet they still keep plugging away. They want to get all the work done and the condo all spruced up so that when they return in the winter, they can just relax and enjoy themselves in their golden years.

"If they haven’t killed themselves before then,” scoffs a friend. “What a couple of wacky old coots! Doing ALL this back breaking hard work……at their age!! Good grief. What are they thinking?”

 “Well, you gotta admit they’re spunky old goats,” says another friend. “Not many people their age would be physically able to tackle such difficult home improvement challenges by themselves.”

Eyewitness sightings confirm that the couple’s condo has a bright, open, beachy bungalow vibe with lots of natural light. It’s in a friendly community on a pretty lake. The swimming pool area and the lushly landscaped grounds resemble a tropical resort. There’s an active clubhouse for parties along with a fun gazebo that overlooks the lake, for “happy hours”. So if Mar-Ce and Jack ever get ALL the work done, they’ll be sipping margaritas in their sunny, sleek, freshly revived, winter get-away.

Several un-named friends poke each other and muse: “Wonder if they’ll invite us to come and visit for a few weeks next winter? They’re such a sweet, old couple.”

 

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