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Tuesday, September 29, 2009


We've got a million things to worry about, don't we? Well, I just discovered one more chunk of worry fodder for our obsession stockpile. It's something I never even heard of before now and it generally occurs in women. But by golly, it's a doozy. CANKLES.  Huh?  I repeat: "cankles". It's slang for chubby ankles. I wonder why they don't call it "chankles"? But that's another worrying point I'll save for later. 

Ladies, better look in a full-length mirror right this minute to determine if you have cankles. It's the part of your leg where the ankle and the calf meet. If there is a shapely, attractive narrowing in the ankle zone between your calf and your foot, then you have been blessed with fetching, well-defined, slender ankles.  On the other hand or foot as in this case, if your leg pretty much resembles the trunk of a redwood tree from your hips to your feet---you've got cankleism. Aka: large ankle girth. No need to rush to the nearest emergency room, however. Although aesthetically alarming, fat ankle syndrome or "fankles" (I just invented that word), is not a genuine medical disease. Podiatrists report that cankles may occasionally be caused by inflamation, diabetes, hypertension or obesity. If you are truly concerned, you should get checked out by a medical professional.

However, for most women, cankles is simply an unfortunate, physiological body flaw bestowed upon us at birth. And you don't have to be plump to have cankles. I am reminded of those classic 16th century paintings which depict hardy, rugged European farm women wearing babushkas, in the fields tilling and harvesting their crops. Those gals probably had cankles. They were born with them to aid with stability and endurance in the fields. Today most of us females do not struggle long hours in the back forty. So why should this condition be passed down genetically through the ages? The answer seems to be merely the luck of the draw. You either have cankles or you don't. You either look like Cindy Crawford or you resemble Hillary Clinton. I'm guessing the latter has cankles.

Of course it's not fair. So what can you do to disguise those less-than-svelte ankles? Some women who are overly self-conscious about them, turn to liposuction which costs between $4000 to $8000 for ankle shaping. Yet many doctors warn that ankle liposuction can be dangerous because it can destroy nerves in the ankle region. You could camouflage cankles with boots. But for those with extra ankle avoirdupois, it may be difficult to squeeze their cankles into stylish bootery unless they can wrangle a pair of oversized, rubber fisherman boots off a beefy longshoreman. Fashion stylists suggest wearing footwear with at least a 2 inch heel and avoid ankle straps. Long, solid-color slacks that cover the cankle area help mask the flaw also. I heard that some women rub hemorrhoid cream on their cankle region and then wrap an ace bandage around it for several hours. Supposedly when you remove the bandage, the cankles will have temporarily shrunk slightly.

As far as I'm concerned, hemorrhoid cream should only be applied to one body location and it ain't your ankles. I say, "Cankles, schmankles." We've got enough to worry about without stressing out over chubby ankles. Look at it from a positive perspective: if you carry your weight in your stomach, you'll never see your ankles anyway. Sphere: Related Content


Sarah said...

liposuction? yikes! no, cankles aren't so bad--keep telling yourselves that ladies. god knows we already have to put up with so much!

J.P. Travis said...

Love the hemorrhoid cream idea. I suffer from "proars" - projecting ears - and I'm thinking maybe if I fill my old football helmet with Preparation H and sleep in it...

Boomer Pie. said...

Be careful, J.P...your head might shrink!

Char said...

Bwahahaha, that is too funny. I assume that I will never have cankles because I have evolved
into the shape of and olive on two toothpicks!
Yep, have had skinny leg syndrome since about

Innocent Owner Of Mad Cats said...

Great post. Love the site and look forward to reading some of your older post. "You may be a jackass" just caught my eye. LOL

Emily said...

Ha, love the post! I've already got cankles, I think I just have to accept them!

I also heard the word came from "calf ankles" - it means that you're you can't tell your calf and your ankles apart - so that might explain the hard 'c' ;)

Unknown said...

Once the swelling has gone down a bit, it is time to start adding heat to your ankle. This can be in the form of heat packs or a small electric wrap. One of the best is moist heat.

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