On the Road Again

Valdosta, Georgia. Motel room. 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm wide awake. My husband is sleeping like a rock. A noisy rock that snores like a bulldozer. Other than that all is relatively quiet. It's the last leg of our road trip south to Florida for the birth of our newest grandchild. Our motel room is dark except for the glow cast by my laptop. I pull back the curtains just a bit to look outside. It's pouring down rain. Water pellets beat against the window and it sounds almost like hail. A scrawny palm tree out front sways in the wind like it's about to topple over. I look down at the parking lot. There are about 20 cars below me and nearly every one of them is white. A red neon light flashes from somewhere and reflects an eerie, mesmerizing, flickering beam off the car bumpers...on-off, on-off, on-off. I wonder if I watched it long enough, would I become hypnotized? Across the street, there's a Starbucks that's closed and a giant red and yellow Dennys sign pleading for customers. Past the parking lot is a Big Foot quickie food mart. I've never heard of a Big Foot store but frankly it doesn't sound very appetizing. I envision some huge gorilla-like beast at the check out register with donut glaze smeared over his hairy face and 3 empty beer bottles behind the counter. Oh wait...that was at the place we stopped at yesterday. Anyway, at this time of early morning, Big Foot is closed.

Just then I spy a solitary, dark figure walking down the sidewalk. It appears to be a very tall, rather heavy set man. Nobody else is around and there's only an occasional semi truck roaring by. It's still raining a deluge outside. I wonder where this lone individual is headed. No umbrella. Hard to tell if he has on a jacket or not. He must be getting drenched to the bone. Does he work the early shift at Denny's? Is he out for an early morning cup of java? Does he own a car? If so, why is he walking in this miserable weather? Did his girlfriend just dump him?  Is he the real Big Foot? Could be a million reasons why he's out on such a dark and stormy night such as this but I'll never ever know. In another minute, he vanishes from my view.

Just another night like any other night in a motel room in Valdosta,Georgia. Thankfully, we'll be leaving at daylight. Sphere: Related Content

Uncomplicated Christmas...Chapter 3

Seems like my dream of an uncomplicated Christmas is flying out the window faster than that nasty grinch stole Christmas. It's now less than 24 hours before my husband and I will head out on our 1000 mile road trip to Florida for the birth of our second grandchild. But before I can even start packing up the car, I'm to be subjected to the inglorious horror of having a very long and very sharp needle stuck in my throat. 

After a visit to an endocrinologist-thyroid specialist two days ago, I was told I have a large cyst on my throat and a tumor on my thyroid. So today I'm going for a biopsy to determine if it could possibly be thyroid cancer. Drats! That insufferable grinch is having a field day snarling my plans for a simple, less stressful holiday.

I spent all last night on the computer googling "thyroid biopsies". Do I know how to have fun or what? I discovered that the surgical instrument used for this procedure is a very long, very fine and extremely sharp stainless steel needle. My brain envisions a giant, finely-honed knitting tool.

During my googling search, I came across an actual video of a throat biopsy. All I can say is GROSS!  Always trying to look on the bright side, I'm thinking maybe it won't be so awful what with a honking blast of pain-killer anesthetic injected first. NOT! I read that most doctors and even patients generally forgo the anesthetic because they say it's excruciatingly painful. One online comment from some poor soul who endured the anesthesia compared it to: a dozen angry hornet stings. Another person said the pain from the injection was so bad, they kicked and screamed for nearly half an hour. Somebody else actually fainted...and that was the doctor! So now I'm supposed to undergo this entire procedure WITH NO PAIN KILLER!!

Five more hours to go til my throat is pierced with a cold, steel, precision sharp, elongated, surgical needle...not once, not twice but SIX separate times. They want to make certain they suck out plenty of tissue for the pathologist to examine. Afterwards, I'm guessing my throat will be black and blue and maybe even swollen for a while. And it will take about a week before I learn the results of the biopsy. More anxiety... just waiting and waiting. But we're still planning on driving off to Florida at the crack of dawn tomorrow.

If I ever get my hands on that miserable grinch, I'd like to stick a knitting needle up his bah-humbug butt. Sphere: Related Content

Uncomplicated Christmas...Chapter 2

Just two short days ago, I wrote about how I was dreaming of an uncomplicated Christmas. No sooner did I post that piece then that evil grinch showed up and began to play sly tricks on us to spoil our fun. It's now a mere 24 hours before my husband and I will hop in our white SUV and head to Florida for the birth of our second grandchild. Yet that miserable grinch could not let things rest. Yesterday, we learned that my daughter was rushed to the hospital because tests at her obgyn's office showed abnormalities with the baby. After she spent nearly 15 hours at the hospital, doctors concluded that the baby was perfectly fine and the initial tests were screwed up. Thank God, it was all a false alarm. 


So now I'm thinking...OK, that whole incident gave us quite a scare but now we can all calm down and proceed with my plans for an uncomplicated Christmas......to be continued Sphere: Related Content

An Uncomplicated Christmas

This year I would like to have an uncomplicated Christmas...simpler, happier and without any undo drama or stress. That's not to say that past Christmas's have been unpleasant. Quite the contrary. Our family Christmas's have always been joyful and merry but they have been complicated. I generally spend at least a solid week decorating the house inside and outside and then tweaking, tweaking, tweaking to get all the gala holiday decor just perfect. But before the decorating can even begin, I must head down into the basement, find the ten huge bins bulging with Christmas stuff and haul each of them upstairs. After hours of unpacking every item, it's finally time to decorate. Once the house is festively adorned, it's time to invite people over. What's Christmas without a jolly party? Each year we have several holiday gatherings which although they are loads of fun, they involve lots of preparation, buying food, cooking, cleaning and a great deal of effort on my part. Can't forget the Christmas cards...selecting them, spending hours writing personal notes inside each one, addressing all of them, buying stamps and sealing every card. Then of course, there is the holiday gift buying. Shopping, shopping, shopping, wrapping gifts until my back feels like it's broken and standing in line for what seems like days, at the post office to ship off boxes. Oh, did I mention frantically sprucing up the guest room and then racing to the airport to pick up overnight guests? Honestly, the holidays can be exhausting.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not bah-humbugging Christmas. I love this glorious season and I usually enjoy all the gala extravagance that the holiday entails. However, this year, our family situation will be quite different from years past and I'm thinking that it might be the perfect opportunity for us to celebrate Christmas in a much simpler fashion.  This year our daughter who lives in Florida will be giving birth to her second child two weeks before Christmas. My husband and I live 1000 miles away. We'll be driving down to be there for the big event and to help out with our three year old grandson, Cooper.

So I'm thinking that this year, our family should embrace the real spirit of the Christmas season. The humble and peaceful setting of the Christ child's birth should remind us of the true meaning of this holy season. Afterall, the birth of our own brand new baby grandson will be the best Christmas gift of all. We don't need to buy a ton of presents like we usually do. Of course my husband and I will buy some fun things for Cooper and several items for the newborn. But the two of us don't need anything and I've told my daughter not to buy us any gifts. Being with their family is a gift in itself to us. I eliminated decorating our home up North because obviously we won't be there.  Our daughter's living room will boast a beautifully decorated 12 foot tall tree put up by our hard-working son-in-law. But we won't be throwing any extravagant parties, cooking and baking like maniacal Paula Dean wannabes, entertaining dozens of revelers or shopping til we drop. Instead, the tropical sunshine will provide us with warmth, brightness and sparkle. We'll be happy to trade the dreary, lifeless trees of a Northern winter climate for the swish of swaying green palms and the enticing fragrance of a fresh sea breeze.

This year, I'm hoping it will be a calmer, less extravagant and more contemplative Christmas for our little family. It's not like we'll be imposing draconian measures and not celebrating the holiday at all. It's more like downshifting a bit...lowering our gears and our expectations so we can see beyond all the holiday glitz and glamor and discover what Christmas is like on more simple, less complicated terms. Who knows? We may prefer the old extravagant ways. We may find that we like all the holiday fuss and frolic afterall. Or perhaps this year, our hearts will glow with an inner serenity and spirituality that sometimes get overshadowed by the hoopla of holiday frenzy. It may be a slightly less complicated Christmas but we won't feel deprived. We'll all be together including our son who will join us. We'll still enjoy laughter and music, good food and the pleasure of our own company. We'll be filled with happiness with all of us being together and thrilled with our precious new bundle of joy. Isn't that the way Christmas is meant to be celebrated?

Yah, right...good luck with that, laughs the evil grinch on my shoulder. Let's get real. Perhaps my hopes for an uncomplicated Christmas sound way too sweet and sappy, too pollyanna. Well, who knows? We'll try our best to make it happen. Stay tuned. Our road trip to Florida begins this week.
Sphere: Related Content

Wild Turkey Tales

They strut across the bare winter woodlands like swaggering, fat, little soldiers, in a wobbly line formation. This time there are seventeen of them. Cocky and grunting noisily, they bob their heads back and forth as if in beat to an Ipod tune. They are wild American turkeys. And they roam sassy and free and fearless in the quiet forest behind our home. I see them almost every day. Each bird is enormous. They spend their time foraging for food like acorns, seeds, small insects and berries. Their two scrawny legs, thin as bamboo skewers, hardly look as if they could hold up such a massive body. But their legs and feet are agile and powerful. In summer, throngs of turkeys invade our yard digging up the dirt in the garden beds hunting for bugs. They make a huge mess, tossing dirt and mulch everywhere. Their powerful web-like toes are strong enough to move large rocks in their hunt for food. Here's a little poultry tip: never get into a fight with a wild turkey. It could claw your eyes out. 


During the winter, on very still evenings under the cover of brilliant moonlight, when the fluffy white snow blankets the entire forest, magically transforming our little woods into a spectacular winter wonderland...sometimes we go out for a moonlit walk in the woods. The pure driven snow and the glow of the moon bring a radiant luminescence to the forest primevil. It was on just one of those illustrious winter nights that I spied way high in the treetops several mysterious, large, black, blob-like forms up in the branches. The dark shapes were a stark contrast to the white forest. Suddenly, one of the big, bulky shadows rose up and flew away. It was a turkey. Yes...turkeys can and do fly! It was a startling revelation for me. I had no idea that these hefty, waddling, feathery creatures can fly high and quite far. Turns out they sleep up in the tall treetops at night to keep away from predators.


Wild turkeys like the ones in our back woods, are different than domestic turkeys. The domestic turkeys don't fly. They are raised on turkey farms, bred and fattened up especially for human consumption. No wonder the wild gobblers in our little forest swagger around like plump, old dowagers. They lead a charmed and lucky existence, knowing full well they won't be the centerpiece of our holiday table this Thanksgiving Day. Sphere: Related Content

The Red Chair in the Woods

Outside my window lies a small but beautiful forest...a lovely, dense glade of leafy green trees, bushes and vines that are home to deer, rabbits, wild turkeys--each one as big as a Volkswagon and a few sly red foxes. In the summer, the canopy is so thick that I cannot see beyond the perimeter of emerald foliage. But when fall arrives, the forest puts on a spectacular color show...an extravaganza of brilliant reds and yellows and oranges that rival a sunset. Now, it is mid November and the autumn leaves have all fallen. Suddenly, a wondrous and magical new view of the secluded inner woods unfolds before my eyes.


As soon as the trees had shed their leaves, I spied it from my window. At first all I could see was a glimmer of red. The red color stood out amidst the dark browns and grays of the leafless trees.  I looked through my window closely, but still could not make out what this odd red thing was in the middle of the woods. Finally I was able to identify the peculiar object. It was a red chair...a bright red Adirondeck chair perched smack in the middle of the woods. This is very strange indeed because this particular woods is not an area that people walk through. It's private property. There are no trails, no picnic tables, no bike paths. It's strictly a pretty wooded glenn on the edge of our condo development that offers refuge to wild animals. So I was amazed to see something as civilized as a chair smugly occupying space there.


It's been about 2 weeks since I first spotted the red chair. And I like it. I'm glad it's there. I find it almost inspiring to see the cheerful red color peek out amidst the bleakness of the woodland's winter gloom. I hope it stays there all winter. Just last week, I noticed one of our neighbors strolling through the woods with his toddler grandson. This is very unusual. Nobody ever goes into this woods. But it was a good sign. The grandfather and his grandson shuffled through the forest floor of fallen leaves and decayed tree stumps and eventually came upon the red chair. I think they were as surprised as I was to discover it. The little boy hoisted himself up and plopped into the chair while the grandfather knelt beside him quietly talking. Then the little boy got out of the chair and motioned for grandfather to sit down. Once the man was seated, the little tyke curled himself into grandpa's lap and the two of them sat together for several minutes...almost as if they were pondering the silence of the forest. After a while, they sauntered off hand-in-hand, having shared a special bonding moment in the red chair in the woods.


Today, I gaze out my window in front of my computer desk and again I see the red chair in the woods. It looks a bit lonely...all by itself out there among the tall, barren trees and the wild creatures. But I think it's happy out there. I think it likes being one with nature...a restful repose in the shrouded inner sanctum of the forest. To me, it's like a reminder that even in the darkest of times, a bright spot appears when you least expect it. I'm guessing most of our neighbors don't know about the red chair in the woods. For the very few of us who have seen it, it's like our special little secret.....I'd like to keep it that way. Sphere: Related Content

My Living Will

Recently, I invited my adult children over to my home for a serious discussion. I said to them: I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

They got up, unplugged the computer and tossed out my wine...... Sphere: Related Content

Humans Behaving Badly

Over the edge. So many people are falling over the edge these days. Violent perpetrators who take innocent victims with them. Seems like every single day we hear about another disturbing incident. Sadly there are thousands more crimes that go unreported and/or unsolved. Here's just a sampling of recent horrific crimes in the United States where humans have demonstrated atrociously bad behavior. Will we all eventually go mad?

Vail, Colorado: A 63 year man is accused of opening fire in a popular area bar, shooting 3 people and killing one of them.

Orlando, Florida: Unemployed man shoots at least six people in high rise office building, killing one person.

Ft. Hood, Texas: An Army Major and psychiatrist opened fire and killed 13 people and injured at least 38 others.

Deerfield Beach, Florida: Five long time friends and school mates set their 15 year old buddy on fire. The teen survived but just barely and is still in very serious condition.

Cleveland, Ohio: Authorities discover at least eleven bodies at the home of a convicted rapist. Police say the former Marine lured women to his house, strangled them and hid their bodies around his house.

Phoenix, Arizona:  An Iraqi immigrant father drove over and killed his 20 year old daughter with his car because he thought she was becoming too Westernized.

Richmond, California: A 15 year old girl was raped, robbed and beaten by multiple attackers outside her highschool homecoming dance, while dozens of other teens watched, laughed and snapped photos.

Antioch, California: By now, we've all read about the capture of the convicted sex offender who kidnapped a young girl 18 years ago, kept her as a sex slave in a tent behind his house and fathered two children with her. Sphere: Related Content

Facebook...Friendships or Humiliation?

Is Facebook submitting some of its users to personal humiliation? Lately I've noticed on the side column of my Facebook pages, little notices like: Molly Smith has only 4 friends. Suggest more friends for Molly. A photo of Molly is displayed so that the world knows what a pathetic, friendless loser, Miss Molly is. Luckily, I have not seen my own name appear in one of these humiliating notices on my FB page. But I wonder if it's showing up on the Facebook pages of my friends. Although I have a tidy niche of FB pals, frankly I don't want the Facebook people to plaster my picture on its site like some hapless sucker on a wanted poster begging people to befriend me. Nothing like being subjected to worldwide degradation.

Recent statistics reveal that the average FB user has approximately 130 people in their social network with a core of only 5 close friends. Many FB users pad their list and boast massive numbers of cyber acquaintances...adding friends of friends of friends. Recently, I read that you can actually "buy" friends to beef up your FB ego. Yes, that's right...friendships can be bought.  Turns out there's an Australian company that sells Facebook friends ranging in price from $177 for 1000 new buddies to over $1000 for 10,000 BFFs. Facebook users who pay for an extended network of friends often exploit them to sell products or market services to them.

When I first joined Facebook, I thought: Hey this is cool. I can reconnect with old pals and keep updated with friends and relatives. I had no idea it would turn into a competitive numbers game...with people claiming bragging rights to their mountain of FB friends and making me feel like a pitiful, miserable dweeb if I don't have as many as they do. Today, our social standing is commensurate with the number of friends in our Facebook network. I just learned that if you have over 5000 friends in your network, you've attained the premier status of "whale". Well, I can tell you right now, I have not reached the whale category. Not even close. I'm more in league with the sucker fish, the bottom feeders, the pitiful urchins of the sea that float around aimlessly in search of an invite from a friendly school of fish or a poke from Nemo. I just pray that the Facebook company does not single me out for further humiliation by urging people to befriend me. I can do that myself. I'm not too proud to beg...or pay. Hmmm...cash for friends...I wonder if they give an AARP discount.
Sphere: Related Content

Ten Bold Ways to Discover Your Passion

What do you want to do with the rest of your life? We've heard it said a kazillion times that to achieve happiness we must find something we're passionate about. Sounds easy. Right? Problem is some of us wouldn't recognize our passion even if it jumped off a billboard, landed in our lap and gave us a bear hug. Many of us have maxed out our Visas on books with titles like "Finding your Passion" or "Following your Dreams".  All well and good if you actually possess a genuine talent or pursue a special interest or hobby. Maybe you play piano or guitar or some other instrument. Or maybe you can sing, sew, paint, croche, create crafty stuff, plan brilliant parties, bake fabulous cakes, design gorgeous flower gardens or are a genius with a camera. Perhaps you enjoy running marathons, love to build birdhouses or collect weird and interesting objects. For you lucky and blessed folks...finding your passion should not be too difficult. It's right in front of you. However, there are a considerable number of perfectly nice, well-adjusted, intelligent, kind and noble people out there who have been on a lifelong journey in search of their one true passion...and have yet to discover yet.

To you, I say: be bold, be daring and be totally unconventional in your quest.

1. Define what you are seeking. What activities could you spend all day doing and even forget about meal time? Do you enjoy pastimes that stimulate your creative juices or ones that are relaxing? Would you prefer to be alone with your passion or share it in the company of others? What would you love to do even if you didn't get paid for it? Keep in mind, it's perfectly acceptable to have more than one passion.

2. Take a calculated risk. Do something unexpected. Go back to school. Get that masters degree you always wanted. If you truly despise getting up each day and going to a workplace you loathe---quit your job. Crazy...especial in today's bad economy? Of course. But why on earth would you continue to do something that makes you miserable every single day of your life? Indeed, a job pays a salary. But is the money worth being miserable? Ask yourself: Are you better off miserable or happy?

3. Cultivate your community. Take classes at a local college, night school or community center. Select one course and attend every single class. It doesn't have to be an intellectual pursuit. It can be beer making or stained glass or writing or photography or how to start a business, computer classes or a drama group. Network with other people during classes. Finish the course. You may decide you hate it or it might offer other related avenues for you to explore. 

4. Take a trip. Be adventurous. Often a change of scenery refreshes our soul, expands our mind, changes our perspective and offers a new focus. Travel to some place you always wanted to go...a few hours away or around the world. Better yet, go somewhere that is outside your comfort zone. If nothing else...read a travel book or watch a travel movie.

5. Move or Declutter your life. (I said these ideas would be unconventional.) Do you hate where you live? Is your house or your town making you unhappy? Does the weather upset you? Is it too humid? Too cold? Do you feel trapped?  Would you rather live by water? Or by mountains or palm trees? Would you be happier in a smaller home? I'm not suggesting that you run away from your problems. Perhaps all you need to do is downsize and rid yourself of all unnecessary baggage including people who do not validate your worth. What remains might well be your undiscovered passion.

6. Liberate yourself. Give yourself the freedom to choose. This is not a self-centered approach but more of a realization that you have something worthwhile to offer to others. Never except excuses from yourself or anyone else. Be disciplined. Force yourself to move forward or sideways...at least in a different direction but never backward. Don't stagnate.

7. Walk away from your fears. Fear holds us back from living life to the fullest. Yet, the hardest thing in the world to do is to let go of your fear. Try walking away from your fear in baby steps. But absolutely no turning back. Are you afraid of heights? Go to the tallest building in your town and take the elevator to the top floor. Sometimes highrise hotels have restaurants on the top. Walk to the windows, stand there quietly and look down. Yes, it's very intimidating. But once you've done it...you will be amazed at your sense of self-empowerment.

8. Surround yourself with supportive people. Learn from them. Exchange ideas. Hang out with people who share your interests, who motivate you. Ask them what they think are your good points and what they like about you. Don't be discouraged by naysayers.

9. Look outside yourself. Help others by volunteering. Inspire those around you with a friendly smile, encouragement, compassion, kind words, thoughtful gestures, a neighborly good deed. Arrange a quiet, romantic evening for you and your special love. Pull out all the stops. Express your passionate side with your children, family and friends. Give them your time and your full attention.  When we give ourselves to others, we reignite the love in our own heart and the passion in our own soul.

10.Embrace your joyful self and Seize your opportunities. Most of us are genuinely decent people. Recognize the goodness in yourself. We all encounter problems. Envision them as opportunities and find unique solutions. Keep a wide-open mind. In seizing opportunities, you may burst upon an unexpected passion. If you could do one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Still haven't decided? Adopt a puppy. Care for it. Love it. And name it "Passion". Sphere: Related Content

Politics in the Pumpkin Patch

                       If politicians invaded the pumpkin patch:

Democrats would: 

• Allow the federal government to seize the patch.

• Create a pumpkin czar.
  

• Tell the farmer how many pumpkins he can grow and how much to charge. 
  

• Offer a mud option to every pumpkin.

• Weed out and smash the older pumpkins.

• Give away free pumpkins to illegal aliens.
  

• Spread the wealth by ordering the farmer to give a percentage of his earnings to benefit field mice.
  

• Determine that orange is not a politically correct color and insist that all pumpkins must be green.
  

• Levy taxes on the plumpest pumpkins.

• Form a pumpkin union.

• Provide stimulus money to the foxes who roam the pumpkin patch.

• Hold a National Pumpkin Day parade with Nancy Pelosi as grand marshal. 

• Ban pumpkins altogether because they look too much like Rush Limbaugh.

Republicans would:

• Find a way to convert pumpkin mash into automobile fuel.

• Bomb the patch because they heard Osama Bin Laden is hiding out there.
  

• Nominate Glen Beck as Pumpkinhead of the Year.

• Give pumpkins the right to vote.
  

• Choose a pumpkin as their presidential candidate in 2012.

Sphere: Related Content

Curious Pumpkin Facts

1. A pumpkin is actually a fruit and is in the squash family.

2. Pumpkin halves were used as guides for hair cuts during colonial times. Thus the term "pumpkinhead".

3. The only place pumpkins can't be grown is Antartica.

4. In Boulder, Colorado, people put carved pumpkins on their heads and run naked through the streets for the annual Naked Pumpkin Run.

5.Pumpkin flowers are edible.

6. The tradition of carving pumpkins into Jack-o-lanterns was brought to America by Irish immigrants. In Ireland, the Irish used turnips but found pumpkins more plentiful in America.

7. The pumpkin capital of the world is Morton, Illinois, home of Libby Corporation.

8. Classic tales that feature pumpkins include: It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown; The Legend of Sleepy Hollow; Cinderella; Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater.

9. The biggest pumpkin ever grown weighed 1700 lbs.

10. Pumpkins can be brewed into beer which tastes good with chili.

11. Not all pumpkins are orange. They come in many colors including green, blue, yellow, reddish, white, striped and psychedelic.

12. The pumpkin skin or rind is not edible.

13. Pumpkins were once recommended for removing freckles and curing snake bites. Snakes are afraid of pumpkins.

14. Pumpkins are 90% water.

15. Pumpkins do not make good doorstops.

16. Pumpkins can be put in the compost heap and reused as fertilizer.

17. Contrary to popular belief, pumpkins cannot swim, but they can float.

........................................................................................................... Sphere: Related Content

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping

Most of us lead full, productive, busy lives. Yet, sooner or later there  comes a time when men, (you know who you are) for lack of anything better to do...will accompany their wives on shopping trips to those big box super centers. This tends to be especially common among retired couples. Typically, most men find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out while women love to browse. I can easily spend two hours in a Target store. My husband finds what he needs and checks out in less than 6 minutes flat...if he's by himself. To pass time while waiting for their women to finish shopping, some of these fellas come up with creative ways to amuse themselves...as evidenced by this store letter to one of its customers.

Dear Mrs. Sanders,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We can no longer tolerate his behavior and are forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five minute intervals.

3. July 7: He dripped a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: He walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and spend half an hour roaming the pots and pans aisles in search of a code violation.

5. August 4: He went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: He moved a "CAUTION--WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: He set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"  EMTs were called. 
9. Sept. 4: He used the security camera as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. Sept. 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: He darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he strapped oil funnels on his chest and pretended to be Madonna.

 13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through it, he whispered: "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
  And finally,

15. October 23: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then hollered, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."  One of the clerks passed out.
 ...................................................................................

Disclaimer: The authenticity of this story cannot be verified. But I bet there's a bunch of bored husbands out there taking copious notes.
Sphere: Related Content

Motorized Lounge Chair

Baby boomer ingenuity is alive and well. You may have heard about the 62 year old Minnesota man who turned his Lazy Boy recliner into a lean mean, road warrior. The guy customized his favorite lounge chair by installing a 8 hp lawn mower engine, joy stick steering wheel, headlights, stereo and built-in brewskie holder. Just think what he could do with a couch. Unfortunately, the motorized chair ended up in a fender bender...uhhh...make that foot rest bender. Seems that after leaving the Keynote Lounge one night during the summer of 2008 with eight beers under his belt, the fella flopped down on his pimped-up ride and crashed into a parked vehicle. No one was seriously injured. But he was charged with driving a self-propelled vehicle while intoxicated.

In retrospect, perhaps the guy was just trying to class up the drinking establishment. Afterall, what's more appropriate at a lounge than a lounge chair? Who wouldn't prefer a cozy, relaxing, cushy, leather lounger over a hard, wooden bar stool? After knocking back a few cold ones, maybe he was just aiming for comfort and not a parked car.
  
The judge didn't see it that way. This week, the man pled guilty to the incident. He was given a suspended jail sentence and two years probation along with a $2000 fine. His souped up chair-iot will be auctioned off by the local police department. Just goes to show, if you want to rev up your lounge chair and drink beer at the same time....make sure you're parked in your living room. Sphere: Related Content

Remember Soupy Sales?

How many boomers remember Soupy Sales? He is best known as the host of a TV show for kids that aired from the 1950 through the 1960s. Sale's trademark gimmick consisted of smooshing custard pies into the faces of shocked guests. Sales was an innovative TV personality for his time. He was not your kind and gentle, Captain Kangaroo or calm and soft-spoken, Mr. Rogers. He was a zany prankster and full of zip in his Vneck sweater and oversized bow tie. Cute with short dark hair and a goofy, boyish grin, Sales seemed like your loveable older brother who was always getting into trouble. His cool and hip comedic approach attracted A list celebrity guests like Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Shirley McClain...all of whom got the pie-in-the-face treatment. He loved music and introduced his young audience to jazz. He even recorded a hit novelty record, The Mouse and performed it on the Ed Sullivan Show, appearing at one time with The Beatles.

Soupy Sales died this week at the age of 83....after years of declining health...in a nursing home. Probably not a very cheerful place for the once happy-go-lucky, sweet faced comedian. During the course of his career, he claimed he had been hit by more than 25,000 pies. What a delicious way to make a living. I wonder if he would've liked a slice of Boomer Pie. Sphere: Related Content